day notes

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001

  • When the shitty days turn into shitty weeks that turn into shitty months, do the best you can and try not to hate how miniscule the difference you make is in the grand scale. You could have done more in the past, sure, but you can’t go back to the girl who would grind herself into exhaustion and call sleeping 6 hours one night a week “self care.” Do what you can and leave the rest for tomorrow.
  • Right now it feels like all you can do is continue to destroy good things. This is not true.

  • Right now, you feel useless and talentless. This is also not true.

 

002

  • Reflections after scrolling through Instagram: EVERYONE IS A RELATIONSHIP AND HAPPY AND I'M ALONE (expect the people who are single, and you're not alone. Call the friends you are homesick for).

  • The risk of deep heartache is worth hearing his subtle New York accent and seeing his freckled face for a few minutes.

  • I refuse to allow myself the option to be great because I believe I don't deserve it and that the pain of losing something I care about and have worked hard for is greater than the joy of having it for a moment (I know understand what Larry Smith meant when he wrote that I have a "fear of success" on the top of my favorite essay).

 

003

  • Running is good for you and good to you. For 30 to 60 minutes, you practice revering your body instead of scrutinizing it. This is a gift.

  • When I was practicing yoga the thought "he's not leaving because of you. He's leaving because he hates Long Beach" went through me and it was such a deep truth I felt released of all the guilt I had put upon myself that I did not deserve. The world does not revolve around me and it is a freeing thing to understand that a little better.

  • I came to Steel Craft five minutes early so I could arrive a casual 15 minutes late. I want friends and to do that I have to make myself do things that make me feel awkward at first. It was a risk worth taking and I hope to remember feeling of inclusion for the next time I feel tempted to skip out on the opportunity of being known. 

 

004

  • Two men were talking about diet and exercise in the waiting area of the car service shop. One man ended the conversation by saying “don’t make your wife a widow. Change your diet now so you can be with her longer.” Later, when both men were somewhere else, she started talking with me and told me that her husband had cancer. He was going to make her a widow at some point. It struck me how careless we can be with our words. We think we are doing the right thing by saying something blunt and rash to the stranger we just met or the people we love while having no idea how these words will settle on the person we have given our idea of wisdom to. Is there hope for humanity to be more gentle with each other? Can we just speak to one another without having to immediately find and fix the needs or flaws we think we see?